Hey darling! If you came here for a little glance of hope, some encourage to know that everything will be okay, then you are in the right spot. I hope that by sharing this little piece of my story that I can give hope and motivation to at least one person. Now please know that this is strictly based on my personal experiences and this is something hard for me to share. I wish I could have read this and learned the things I am sharing a long time ago, this is the inspiration and the reason behind sharing this very personal side of me with y’all.
People who know me or my family, know little pieces of what my family is like. When I was 9-10 years old, my parents got divorced. Most anyone who knows me knows this. Unless someone has been through this with their own family, you don’t know the struggles, the heartbreak, the trials, or the effects that this has on the people involved. It is different for every individual person as every situation is very unique. Now remember, I am only speaking from my life experiences and these are my personal feelings and opinions.
This is just a little piece of my story…
I knew that my parents were splitting up before they ever told me or my little sister. I didn’t want to believe it, the pieces I had put together, the information I heard that was not for my ears, lead me to more curiosity. Let’s just say I was a noisy little girl. I could feel the difference in our home, the vibes were off, things weren’t right. When my parents told us the news, we cried, and cried, and cried. I remember sitting with my little sister Zoee afterwards while our parents were in the back room and neither of us knew what to say. I could see the sadness, the heartbreak and the confusion in her eyes, all I could say to her was, “It’s going to be okay.” At my young age, I didn’t really know if I would be okay and I didn’t know what life was going to be like after that, but I remember wanting to make sure that she thought that her world would be okay.
If I remember right, it was only one week later that we watched our mom grab the last of her things, walk down the side-walk and drive away. A few days before she left I remember breaking down and getting very upset with her. I asked her ‘why she had to go, why would she want to leave me and Zoee without a mom? Who was going to help me with piano? Was I suppose to be Zoee’s mom now?’ I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or how we were suppose to go on as a family anymore. In my head it was all my fault that she was leaving. For a long time I didn’t have reason to believe that it was never actually my fault. I remember hating myself. When I would watch the hurt that my dad and my sister were going through, I didn’t know how to handle it.
I’ve had many scary, hard, life changing experiences since then. When I was in high school Ninette (my mom) was in a relationship with a man who I knew earlier in life. I knew him and knew things about him that she did not. We will make this very short and to the point, he was not a good person, I wouldn’t let a man like that be in my life. While they were dating he proved my point time and time again, Ninette chose to be with him over a relationship with me, her own daughter. At this point I was done forgiving her, done giving her another chance, done getting my hopes up just to be let down again. Hurt is the only thing coming from this relationship – for years I was miserable. We haven’t had a relationship in almost 4 years now.
This experience changed me, as it would anyone else as well. It is easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring – they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are – that, despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others – is a strength. Your job isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection, relationship and the love that you need. Because despite what you feel, or what you are told, you are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyones acknowledgement or affection, you are enough. This is so important for everyone to understand.
Now, I’m not saying that Ninette didn’t love me, what I am saying is that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly! Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our well-being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You can’t change other people and I haven’t actually understood this until recently. One day my husband let me finish expressing my frustrations and he said, “Sage, you can’t change who people are, you have to love who they are, not who you want them to be.” I always knew that deep down but I never thought of it in this sense. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
No one ever said that life was easy. Everyone has their own personal struggles and hardships that are unavoidable. There is no getting away from it, there is no way to escape it and never have another hard time again. You have to learn how to get through them and learn what is to be taught in these hardships. Having a split family wasn’t something I chose, it wasn’t something I could control and I didn’t know what the good was in it. There was nothing good that could come from it in my eyes. I didn’t realize that until years later. I now have a wonderful step mother who is considered my mom. She looks at me as her daughter and nothing else. She is what I needed in my life and gave me the relationship I never had but yearned for. I have met so many incredible people and build amazing relationships with amazing people. Everything happens for a reason. Remember that.
Thanks for the encouragement to share this post Destiny! You guys should go check out her blog and her two sweet sweet kiddos here.